Wax on...Wax off!

Vegas is a grand illusion. For whatever reason, the combination of tacky colors, neon lighting, and unrealistic body images has come together as the recipe for perfection and keeps this town stocked in tourists willing to pay good money for just about anything. This being the case, I could think of nothing more fitting on my final tour of the town than a visit to Madame Tussaud's Wax Museum at the Venetian. At least here, they advertise that the people inside are fake.

Currently admission is somewhere around $25 for tourists; however, us locals get a nifty discount and only have to pay $10 for admission. Normally, locals admission is $18; but, since they're celebrating their ten-year anniversary, the museum has opened itself up for just over half of that price. It really is a good deal.

Mme. Tussaud's has two floors filled with an ever rotating circuit of celebrities. Sure, there are the staples: Whoopi Goldberg is always out front. Hugh Hefner and Jenna Jameson are always near the entrance (you can pose with Hef in complete bunny ear regalia). But other exhibits change or move and so if you haven't been to the museum in a while, now is the time to go.

He made that shot without even looking!

If you've never been to a wax museum (Mme Tussaud's is by far the best I've ever seen) then walking in can be a little awkward. Guests are encouraged to touch the statues, pose with them, act like total dorks around them, and overall just have fun. So long as the statue isn't on a platform that says "Please don't climb," anything goes.

Some of the exhibits are more interactive than others. Guests can don a wedding dress and marry George Clooney. They can pull out a putter and play golf with Tiger Woods. Stand on the stage of American Idol and let Simon Cowell give you the evil eye. Join the Blue Man Group. Ride Evel Kneivel's motorcycle.

Of course, that first statue is always the weirdest moment. Today, it was Indiana Jones (my personal hero). Now the question is--how much is too much? Do you just pose next to him, or do you yank out all the stops? Within a few minutes, you too will be choking, kissing, hugging, and mugging it out with the celebrity of your choice.

Some of the statues (Ben Affleck, Brad Pitt, George W. Bush) look close, but wouldn't fool you. Others (Angelina Jolie, Barack Obama, Mayor Oscar Goodman) are so lifelike that if the picture is taken correctly, you could absolutely confuse your neighbors.

"Come on Ben, let me show you a thing or two. Trust me--I'm a local."

After gasping at Criss Angel's abs, singing with Sinatra, and landing on the moon, my friend and I landed in the gift shop (where every hilariously snarky novelty known to man is sold at an overinflated price). I bought a few kitchen magnets with snarky sayings (hey, I saved a bunch of money on admission--I figured it'd even out) and we were on our way--completely entertained on a skinny budget.

Madame Tussaud's gets two thumbs way, way up for being one of the few attractions in town that is absolutely honest about what it is--a museum full of imitations. Not to mention--its a lot of fun!

Since we're discussing things that aren't real--later tonight I took my SecondSister to Town Square, a shopping district on the south end of the Strip. There really isn't a good way to describe this place except to say that it is a cross between Disneyland and a zoo for humans. Everything is polished and perfect (kind of like "Main St. USA") with false shop fronts (that lead to real--and really expensive--boutiques), perfectly groomed trees with speaker boxes that play music, and a park in the center. The park has a water feature for the kids, but the water is the only real part about the place. The expanse of grass is fake, the shrubs that make up the kiddie maze are fake, and the overall atmosphere is just one tick off of weird. SecondSister and I come to this place for Yogurtland, the frozen yogurt place that sells yogurt and toppings by the ounce. It makes for a very cheap but interesting way to spend an evening.

Most nights we take our yogurt and head over to the park to people watch. There are couples dancing to the music under the plastic gazebo (which is made to look like marble), there are families with blankets on the fake grass and kids on that same grass playing football, there are people walking their dogs (huh?). Its surreal.

I turned to SecondSister and started to tell her that I thought the place reminded me of a zoo for yuppies. We began to make up Dr. Suess-like rhymes to describe the place:

"Come my little child to the people zoo

Where the grass is fake, and the people are too!

They come in couples and as singles,

They're here to show off and to mingle

Proving that they have got so much money

They can pay to make this place sunny!"

There was more too it--but I can't remember it all. In essence, this place is part of why I can't stand this town. It is absolutely fake--everything about it is fake--but people are enjoying it as if it is real. This is frustrating. It isn't real. It is a guilded cage people, a guilded cage!

And for me the glitz and glamour has entirely worn off.